So, as I pondered what I truly believed in I came to a surprising answer. I didn't believe in anything! Oh, I thought I did. I was a self made man. I was fiercely independent and stubborn and that tenacity brought me far in the ways of the world. A successful business, a beautiful wife, four healthy sons, respect, a strong reputation and that nagging feeling that it was all going to come crumbling down at any moment and that I would be found out as a fraud.
Now, let's back up 35+ years for a little bit. As I said before I was born and raised Jewish but I did not know what that meant. I went to Synagogue on the holidays, memorized some prayers, snuck a little wine but as a child I was absolutely and totally lost in the world. The 2 people who were to protect me and teach me and prepare me for life were too busy arguing, fighting and hating one another to care for me in the proper ways. Oh, I never went hungry or without things. What I needed was love and guidance and reassurance. The very things that are critical to healthy development. But I lived in fear. Fear of being beaten by my father, fear of love being torn away by my mother. I remember crying a lot as a child. The world did not make sense. I just wanted to be able to come home from school and play and not be in trouble for something.
My parents divorced finally when I was 13. I was thrilled! I wanted to be as far away from my father as possible. I had started to dabble with drinking beer and smoking pot. But as they separated and divorced drugs became my comforter, my friend. Then they became my controller, deciding everything I did, who I did it with and when. That went on for the next miserable and depraved 7+ years. I got arrested, went to jail, got kicked out of the house, hit the psych unit, dropped out of high school, prostituted myself, lied, cheated and stole to survive. Anything to survive. I entered my first rehab at age 14 and hopefully my last one two weeks before I turned 21. That was September 8, 1986 and I have not had a drink or a drug since that date.
People might think, "Wow! That is great! Life must have been real good since then!" Those people may not understand that although being clean and sober is far far better than the alternative there is a lot of wreckage mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually that needs attention. A lot of attention!
I was almost 21 and I was broken. Thoroughly defeated by a life I believed I was in control of. I cried and cried and cried. I knew absolutely nothing about life except how to fall farther into the depths of depravity and degradation.
I entered a long term treatment program for adolescents and remained there for 10 months and 3 weeks. I signed myself in and could sign myself out at any time. It was a harsh place that was very strict and disciplined. I knew I was at a fork in the road; to either choose life or to choose to die. It didn't really seem like much of a choice. I believed that if I did not enter that program I was going to die.
See, by the age of 20 I was a junkie. I had been living in Miami smoking crack and when I was not high I was in heavy withdrawal. Physically sick with cramping, sinus problems, fever and headaches. One hit on the crack pipe and I was right as rain; no cramps, pain or anything. I knew it was the end. So the choice was an easy one.
This was the beginning of a spiritual awakening that offered so much hope and promise that I would walk for years in pain and confusion and depression seeking relief while staying clean and sober.
(to be continued)
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
So, it is early August 2008. I am driving through the desert with my mother headed to the San Diego zoo for her 65th birthday. Her and I have taken several road trips together for business in the past and have always enjoyed audio books on cd to help the miles pass. For this particular journey we bought 2 books on cd and for the life of me I cannot remember what the second one was. Which is the whole point of this blog.
Just to give a little background, I was a 43 year old, married father of 4 sons aged 11, 9, 7 and 5. Born and raised Jewish and active in the religion only until I was bar mitzvahed. Which is pretty common here in the US of A. My God was a god of history that seemed to have been fairly silent for a long time. I viewed being Jewish as more of a cultural thing and as more of a people that existed alongside and outside of the very religious Jews. We would say prayers and blessings in a language most of us did not know and had no intimate relationship with our Creator. We just accepted lightly that we were God's Chosen Poeple and left it at that. I say we because although I have not spoken to anyone at length about my observations I am convinced there are many American Jews with much the same upbringing.
Ok back to the trip with my Jewish mother for her birthday . . . So, the audiobook is called "Left Behind" a sort of science fiction/fantasy novel about what the world would be like if suddenly all the true believers in Jesus Christ were taken away in an instant to be with Him. A fascinating concept and what seemed like an intriguing story. In fact it was well written and set in current times and was full of action from the beginning. My mother and I listened to the story all the way to San Diego from Tucson, Arizona and all the way home after a long weekend of celebrating her birthday.
It took me several days of listening to the end of the story while I drove to and from work only to find out at the end that it was book 1 in a series of 12! Now, the story was fantastic! Millions of people disappeared in an instant, there was chaos and confusion and fear, etc . . . There was also the beginning of the rise of the Antichrist from humble civil servant, blah blah blah. Like I said the book was well written and interesting so I sought out my local used bookstore and started buying up used copies of the remaining 11 novels in the series.
I read nothing but the "Left Behind" series for the next 3-4 months. The series kept me interested the whole time. Sometimes I lose interest with an author after several novels and have to take a break from his/her writing for a while. Not so in this case and believe me I was ready for the religious rhetoric to get to be too much so I could put it down.
I had met all kinds of religious nuts in the past. Watching street evangelists being mocked in downtown Seattle. Being argumentative towards Jehovah's Witnesses when they came to my door. An old old friend of mine who found Jesus and seemed to go off the deep end with it. I had passed by Messianic churches and scoffed at my people who seemed to be a little nuts or something.
But in this story I never found the references to Jesus or Scripture to be offensive for some reason. I am not sure I gave it a whole lot of thought but what kept coming to my mind as I read novel after novel was just how deeply the characters believed in Jesus and God. It got me to thinking about what I believed in. And I came up with some interesting answers for myself.
(to be continued)
Just to give a little background, I was a 43 year old, married father of 4 sons aged 11, 9, 7 and 5. Born and raised Jewish and active in the religion only until I was bar mitzvahed. Which is pretty common here in the US of A. My God was a god of history that seemed to have been fairly silent for a long time. I viewed being Jewish as more of a cultural thing and as more of a people that existed alongside and outside of the very religious Jews. We would say prayers and blessings in a language most of us did not know and had no intimate relationship with our Creator. We just accepted lightly that we were God's Chosen Poeple and left it at that. I say we because although I have not spoken to anyone at length about my observations I am convinced there are many American Jews with much the same upbringing.
Ok back to the trip with my Jewish mother for her birthday . . . So, the audiobook is called "Left Behind" a sort of science fiction/fantasy novel about what the world would be like if suddenly all the true believers in Jesus Christ were taken away in an instant to be with Him. A fascinating concept and what seemed like an intriguing story. In fact it was well written and set in current times and was full of action from the beginning. My mother and I listened to the story all the way to San Diego from Tucson, Arizona and all the way home after a long weekend of celebrating her birthday.
It took me several days of listening to the end of the story while I drove to and from work only to find out at the end that it was book 1 in a series of 12! Now, the story was fantastic! Millions of people disappeared in an instant, there was chaos and confusion and fear, etc . . . There was also the beginning of the rise of the Antichrist from humble civil servant, blah blah blah. Like I said the book was well written and interesting so I sought out my local used bookstore and started buying up used copies of the remaining 11 novels in the series.
I read nothing but the "Left Behind" series for the next 3-4 months. The series kept me interested the whole time. Sometimes I lose interest with an author after several novels and have to take a break from his/her writing for a while. Not so in this case and believe me I was ready for the religious rhetoric to get to be too much so I could put it down.
I had met all kinds of religious nuts in the past. Watching street evangelists being mocked in downtown Seattle. Being argumentative towards Jehovah's Witnesses when they came to my door. An old old friend of mine who found Jesus and seemed to go off the deep end with it. I had passed by Messianic churches and scoffed at my people who seemed to be a little nuts or something.
But in this story I never found the references to Jesus or Scripture to be offensive for some reason. I am not sure I gave it a whole lot of thought but what kept coming to my mind as I read novel after novel was just how deeply the characters believed in Jesus and God. It got me to thinking about what I believed in. And I came up with some interesting answers for myself.
(to be continued)
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