It has been over 90 days since I wrote anything here. It has been a bit dry spiritually for me. I know that anytime I feel like I am distanced from God it is I who moved; not God.
Although I hate to admit it I am a bit of a whiner and complainer. Most people do not see me that way though. I am very adept at portraying my dissatisfactions in a convincingly righteously indignant manner.
I have been in my life a drug addict, a drug dealer, a liar, a manipulator, a thief, a bully, a braggart, a gossiper, a user, a cheat. I have also been giving and generous, kind, thoughtful, selfless and self-sacrificing. I have been quick to help others and have a quick smile. I think I have helped a great number of people.
I received a message the other day from a man I have known since he worked for me in Seattle around 1998:
[13 years ago, you took a chance on a kid you didn't know from california, who had no local family, no connections, not even a home. He worked for you, and really admired and respected who you were.
You were right, about a lot of things back then. I was naive, and desperate, and a bit of a fool. I think the worst thing about being fired was not so much losing the job, but losing your respect, which I valued, but didn't know how to communicate.
I just wanted to say, you were right, about a lot of stuff... and I was pretty wrong and stupid.
Thank you, for taking a chance on me back then.
13 years later, and I haven't forgotten it, or you.
Well wishes to you and your family.]
Needless to say I was touched greatly by this short note. It reminded me at a moment when I needed reminding that I am not my shortcomings. I am not my failures. I am not my fears or misgivings. I am not my feelings and I am not your feelings. I am not my wants or desires.
I am God's. I have given my life to Jesus Christ. I, on my own am those things that defeat me and discourage me. Without Jesus I am without hope. What a desolate and dry place to be; alone, without God.
But with Him; my hope is like a fountain pouring from my heart. What can I not do when God is with me? One step toward Him is all it takes. One step that at times seems so impossible to take. But when I do I feel those loving hands surrounding me and strengthening me. And it makes me wonder why I wander like I do.
Thank you LORD for always taking me back. Thank you Jesus!