In God's eyes I must be a simple and easily understood person. In my mind it is a whole lot more complex and not so easy to decipher. I have always been a thinker. Or you could say I am a thoughtful man, except when I am not. You may already be confused; welcome to my world.
I have been absent from this blog for a little over 7 weeks as you may have noticed. On January 8, Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the head and almost killed while others were wounded and some died. Gabby as a lot of Tucsonans knew her as was a frequent and welcome visitor to my cafe. Over the years we have hand numerous conversation and she is always quick with a big smile, a hug and a peck on the cheek. She has this quality of making you feel welcomed in to her life and that you are her friend. She is a great example in that sense to follow. Her being shot was shocking, horrifying and left me reeling. I knelt in the bathroom at my cafe and I prayed. I prayed more earnestly than I ever felt I had before. I prayed for the Father's will to be done, to spare her if it so be, I prayed for any inspiration to show how or if I could help her or anyone else. I prayed because I knew she was Jewish like me and once again there was someone in my life who I cared deeply about who may have never heard the Gospel of Jesus and who may die not knowing it. (see Dec. 14, 2010 post).
I heard a news media report that Gabby had died. I wept. Like a baby I wept. I did not know where such deep emotion came from. Then the news media reported she had not died. I was relieved beyond words. I cannot wait for the day when she once again walks in to the cafe and smiles and hugs me.
I can only imagine that it must be infinitely greater to be in the presence of our LORD and Saviour Jesus Christ and receive that hug and smile. My spirit yearns for that and I pray that I would weep the tears of a thousands years, being completely cleansed and emptied, then be lifted up by God and set in a place where I would experience no confusion, no saddness, no pain and feel an unexpressable joy that would last forever. Amen!
There is a chasm there. The distance from the one point to the other point. Can it only be acheived by my bodily death; moving into the presence of our LORD? Although it escapes me I know that in essence that is what has to happen. I must die to this world and the things of this world and the ways of this world in order to live for God! The temptations are great! They are overwhelming! They are innumerable! And they are on all sides of me. I get trapped in them and ensnared and I struggle with them fiercely!
I know the answers are in God's Word. I believe every single one of them. I pray for discernment and wisdom and strength and grace to overcome this world and live for Jesus! I am afraid. The old self has been around a long time and I was really good at being me. I fear the ridicule and scorn that will come from the world. I look to Jesus, the apostles and the martyrs and I feel ashamed. I do nothing and they gave all!
Am I willing to give all? I want to give all. I feel it burning inside me! Yet I stay in my comfortable surroundings and think about giving all.
LORD, light my path and open my eyes; grant me courage and opportunity; let my heart not fail. Amen!
(to be continued with more of my story I promise)